Do You Remember?
Once we were young
and very much in love.
Or so we did think.
You and me on your bike,
on near empty roads in the night.
We sped past sleeping houses
me holding you tight.
Splashing thru dirty water in the rain
you whistled old hindi songs;
and I sat behind you
eyes closed, my face lifted up.
Remember, we sat on the roadsides
drinking tea out of small plastic cups.
And sharing that plate of oily noodles
at our favorite chinese stall.
Sometimes when we had a lil spare cash
we went to a "real" restaurant.
We dressed in our best and of course
the table was booked in advance.
And on one such occasion, we met a couple
seemingly everything we were afraid to be.
Dead eyes, grim mouths, that joyless air;
munching the meal in complete silence.
Remember the shudder we had supressed
and how we had seeked each other's hands ?
Looking deeply into each others' eyes
we had known, we had smiled.
Do you remember?
Once we were young
and we were "special".
Or so we did think.
[As we sit at the Smoky Lounge
glazed eyes, frozen smiles;
That joyless air, Drinks in hand
loud music blaring in the background]
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16 comments:
Hey Horace, thanks for visiting my page. I checked out your site, seems interesting. I will catch up with it later.
do you remember as I stood up as we sped on the bike....
how I sang aloud into the wind
how I hugged you tight...
do you remember how you held me close as the rains lashed upon us...
do you remember how we ate pickle-n- rice sitting in the patio
do you remember the silent kisses we stole when the power failed...
careful not to make a give away sound...
chuckle...chuckle...
hey silo- look what u did...u triggered off some smoky memories...
Ardra!! I am so glad to have you here. Wow, glad I cud trigger some smoky memories. Standing up on the bike, it feels great doesn't it? Wish I had incorporated that in the poem. Standing up, Wind in the hair, singing out loud, life seemed to be just perfect.
And of course the stolen kisses are the best. :-)
Fizz, my dear nice that you drop in here from time to time. Good to have you here. Thanks for the good words.
No I have not yet posted it on the DSS. :-) Aisaich. Call me lazy or something like that.
Wow! Thats a masterpiece!!
Hey Bindhu, thanks for dropping by and for the kind words.
I visited your site and discovered that you have been blogging on a very regular basis since 2004.Thatz awesome. How do manage to do that?
wow silo! beautiful it is.
very nice...silo...completely loved it! it's all u want life to be at times, nahin? a looong bike-ride....as kanu once said :)
but then, u wake up one day....and realize that the novelty of the beginning is missing....and eventually everything becomes so monotonous....and so dull....even the thought of that eventuality makes me revisit my qualms about marriage at these times :)
enig
thats a good one silo ! simple, beautiful and scarily realistic as it gets !
hey silo,
I liked the overall feel of it, however:
1. the theme was very predictable
2. at times u seemed confused about whether you want it to rhyme/meterized ...
3. and maybe due to 2, it is not smooth at all... very jerky...
what works for it are the very identifiable images, and a very generic theme: "those were the days", if you know what I mean.
but I am disappointed, more so because I have read your first smokey poem, and that was where, in my opinion, you should have left this series.
when a poem/story deals with beaten theme, it's the treatment that becomes the point of artistic expression (for what needs to be said has already been said hazaar times). this one doesn't do anything special (again IMO) there either.
i don't buy that smokey series is your undoing -- unless you want to make it. Don't. You udikna was excellent piece of writing, because it came from within and without a consciousness of what the junta wants from you... forgive me if I'm being unjust here, but IMO you're a much much better writer/poet than this one suggests...
asuph
Bharath, Enig, Chet Thanks for liking it.
Asuph, my dear friend thanks for the honest feedback again. I did not write this poem under any kind of pressure actually. This was written sometime back just like that one day. But agree with you about this being a off - repeated theme. Actually wanted to bring out that how we are young we think we are "special" and "different" and all that but sometimes we end up being our worst nightmares. But looks like have not been quite successful in that regard.
And hey Enig marraige ain't that bad:-)
silo,
one of the reasons why i don't mind giving honest feedback to you is that I know you'd take it well.
my fault entirely about the pressure bit.
about we ending up being our own nightmares, it's come out pretty well... I was questioning the novelty of that theme itself... and the novelty of the treatment...
and ignore me too :) i am an instintive critic (without *any* training in poetry appreciation). if you're happy with what you've written, then that's the only thing that matters, because at the end only you know what you were trying to do. we will just take resonable (and at times unreasonable) guesses..
and lol @ marraige not being *that* bad. u mean it's bad but not that bad? ;-)
keep writing, above all.
asuph
Ibluuuuuu!!! Long time, where have you been? Thanks for visiting.
hmmmm...just between u and me, guys (silo, asuph...anyone listening?)...how bad is it?? mariiage I mean...
:-)
enig!
lol enig,
i'll send you a private mail ;-)
asuph.
Hey siggy; thanks for visiting. U think the first version was better. Hmmm I thot this flowed more easily, no? And hey sorry for the delayed response. Was away for some time. It has been a long time u posted one of your poems. just love your poems ; hope we get to read one soon.
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